What reality are you living in your marriage?
As a man thinks in his heart so is he. Have you ever wondered why
you have some issues in your marriage that are difficult to locate? You feel
you are failing to connect or get along on something. Well I believe I may be
able to help you answer this today. Having sat with many couples over the years
my wife and I began to realize that more often than not good well meaning
couples struggle over issues that should not be an issue.
How can this be you may ask? Did you know that realities in life are
created by the thoughts of the people experiencing them? This means if we have
an unhappy marriage we created it by the thoughts we allow to prevail in our
minds. An example is a couple that came to us and the wife thought the husband
was having an affair. In her thoughts she saw him with another woman, holding
hands laughing and perhaps even making love. Because she thought so much on
this they no longer had any sexual intimacy because she felt it was her right
to punish him for what he was doing to her and he was wondering what the
problem was. He had been irresponsible with his phone and had saved numbers he
should have and was often up at night away from his wife in another room
communicating on the phone. This gave her further evidence that there was an
affair and she eventually asked him to confess his issues under the assumption
that you definitely have a rat in your closet.
By this time the marriage had degenerated to such a state that the
wife had attempted to leave several times and this is where we got involved in
the matter. Her perception created a reality in her mind and that reality was
her enemy. The truth is to the person affected “perception is reality”. We
advise couples that you have to deal with two kinds of problems. Perceived
problems and actual problems; Actual problems are the real “in your face
problems” that cannot be hid and the perceived problems are non-factual
realities created in the imagination of a person. Both must be dealt with well
and with wisdom as it is easy to want to sideline the perceived problems
because they are often intangible.
I make the mistake sometimes of ignoring the perceived problems and
as men we can easily push them aside and say “you don’t have to worry about
this situation, there is nothing to it” Then after a few days you notice that
the sex has changed the atmosphere is tense, the communication is now abrupt
and impersonal. Why is this? Because to the one affected by a perceived problem
the problem is a reality. Your wife will become cold sexually if she believes
your hands were holding another woman, your husband can become with drawn and
quiet if he feels things are not well and this is often where the war begins.
He has his perceptions and she has hers and they are both living realities that
are created by the wrong perceptions. The intimacy gets affected the
communication get affected then a rift develops between them and further
substantiates that there is a problem.
Ok enough of the problem what’s the solution? Communication communication communication.
You just have to talk and hear each other out. Do not right of the perceptions
of your spouse as a figment of their imagination check what you could have done
to add weight to the thought. If your spouse thinks you are cold and uncaring
don’t say “No I am not like that” rather say what makes you see me that way. I
know this is a tall order especially for men but guess what it will save you a
lot of heartache and sexless night. Secondly do some introspection, check your
heart, thoughts and actions and see how you can help your spouse see
differently. If you are the spouse that is struggling with the perceptions then
maybe you need to also take a time out and look at the situation with fresh
eyes. Thirdly it may help to get someone neutral to come and look at the
situation with you. The couple I spoke about earlier when they met with us we
helped the wife see things differently and helped the husband see his mistakes
and they were restored and their marriage is doing great. They had to stop,
assess repent and repair things and now they are happy.
Your marriage can be fixed think about what I have written in this article
and remember not all problems are as bad as they look at the beginning, all
problems have solutions, a saner mind has the ability to find those solutions
and finally there is someone out there who can help you walk through the pain
you are facing. See things in their proper perspective, don’t jump to
conclusions give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. By the way this
principle also works in reverse happy perceptions about each other, your
marriage, your job or you life in general will create a sense of peace and
contentment because “Perception IS REALITY”
God bless you
