Build on the positives

Build on the positives

Have ever been in one of those crazy cycles as a couple where you are fighting about everything. You were late, the food was cold, you didn't call, you didn't appreciate me, you didn’t notice my hair etc etc.

Well those moments come to all marriages if that has not happened to you maybe you can contribute to the next blog to help us understand how that can be done.

Often these challenges come because of financial strain or maybe career frustration in some cases spouses feel neglected, unnoticed and insignificant or maybe you feel you are not getting enough… and we think the crazy cycle helps get some attention. In all this I want to highlight one possible solution. If you are to come out of the cycle you will have to ignore the negatives that are taking centre stage.

I have noticed when we go on our cycle with my wife and they are becoming less and far in between as we grow more mature in marriage. It is easier during those times to focus on little weaknesses that become magnified. Things that would normally be overlooked during happy moments become big issues. Its during these moments that my wife will notice the socks I left on the toaster and the pile of books I did not pack after reading. Its during these moment that I notice that the bed was not made just the way I like it, its then that I notice that she kissed me once only in the morning and that we only made love three times that day instead of four times.

Why do we notice all these negatives in the relationship that we normally overlook during good times? Well that’s a good question and before I answer it let me also touch on troubled relationships. Troubled relationships are generally built on a negative environment. A troubled relationship is one where you are more in the crazy cycle than you are in the ''Married and loving it'' cycle. You might need to stop for a moment and look at your own marriage and see the ''married and loving it'' and crazy cycle ratio. You need to work on having more time dedicated to the ''Married and loving it'' side of the.

I have often sat with couples in ''troubled marriages'' and wondered how these people got married if they can sit in front of me and go into detail about how terrible their spouse was and how they were tired of the relationship. These people were inseparable at the courtship stage but now they are worst enemies. What happened? Well its simple the focus changed from the positives that brought them together to the negatives that began to crop up

Great coaches will tell you that you cannot build a great team by working so hard on the weaknesses of the players by that I mean a goal keeper might have a weakness in dribbling and that ok because its not his area of strength. If the coach tells the goalkeeper for the next six weeks you must work on your dribbling no more catching for you. He will create a problem. The keeper will become a better dribbler but not a great one but he will become weaker at catching. So the training program is designed to give him skills in a number of areas but the primary one is ensuring that the other team does not score. On the other hand if the coach gets the striker and gives him catching lessons he will create a problem. Let the striker strike the catcher catch. In marriage find the stuff you are good at or better still what your spouse is good at and build on that especially during the crazy cycles.

What does this mean? If you are to build a great marriage focus on the strengths and not the weaknesses of your souse especially during the low moments. Great marriages are built when we find some positives that we can focus on and develop. There must be something good about your spouse after all you were not under a spell when you married them. Start of with something that you can celebrate even if its “hey honey you have great nails” your attitude stinks right now but your nails are great. Weeellll!!! I suggest you do not say the last part out loud.

When was the last time you had a crazy cycle? Well now you know what to do when it comes. Build on the positives not the negatives. By the way don’t look for the crazy cycles don’t schedule them into your day. But when they do come you are ready.

I have also put in a little assessment tool that has been a help to me I trust it will help you to. If you are unable to access this properly on the blog page send an email request to Pastorxtreme@gmail.com and I can send you a soft copy that you can print and work on. Go green and print back to back. Soon the blog will be on a page that allows you to down load these tools for personal development. Do not that it was created by Lynette Hoy I just added it to the blog because I think it’s a great tool.

We love you and thank you so much for making this blog interesting and worthwhile to do. If I get all the 700 plus people that read this blog weekly requesting the resource it might take about a week to send to you all so be patient with me.

Assessing Your Marriage, How Good Is It?

Marriage Assessment Survey
Complete this inventory to make an initial assessment of your marriage. Rate your satisfaction for each area below from 1-10 where 1= poor; 5=average; 10=excellent.

1. Our physical intimacy is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. Our emotional intimacy: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. Our spiritual intimacy is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. Our recreational togetherness is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. The friendship factor in our marriage is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6. Our communication is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. The way we manage conflict is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. The way we make decisions is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. The way we handle our children is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. The way we share responsibility is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11. The way we socialize together is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

12. The way we interact with our in-laws is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

13. The way we handle finances is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Write out answers to these questions. This is meant to be an activity for assessing your marriage. After scoring  areas 1-13 above - answer the following questions so you can ascertain goals to work on in your relationship. This is best done after both partners complete it. Don't share the scores above but, discuss your answers to the questions below.

1. Which areas of growth are most critical for you? Why?

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

2. Which areas are most critical for your spouse? Why?

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

3. If you were to make 2 requests of your spouse for change, what would you ask? Make these specific and base them on 2 of the above areas of concern.

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

4. If you were to do 2 things to improve your marriage and make your spouse more satisfied, what would you do? Base these on the areas in which you believe your spouse wants you to make changes.

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

5. What can you do this week to make positive change in your marriage?
Examples:
__Start improving my communication by listening to my spouse more intently and demonstrating empathy (read a book below to help you learn these skills)
__Become more involved with household chores
__Participate and initiate more family activities
__Plan a date with my spouse
__Schedule a meeting to plan our budget
__Go to church with my spouse or suggest reading the Bible together once a week (don't pressure your spouse to do this)

Be blessed and share with a friend

Make love a habit Part III

Hello trust you are good and you enjoyed part 1 and 2 of this blog. Enjoy part three it will shake you up and take you higher. These are things we should have learnt in school.

5) Good sex is good for your health.

In the other part we briefly looked at each point now lets look at point 5. (let me go to town with this one) If you want to live long obey the Word and make love often and you will be amazed. Study these biblicaly sound and medically proved points and you will enjoy your marriage. In fact you will be married and loving it.

5.1) Oxygenating the blood, every so often our blood needs to be saturated with oxygen and during love making the heavy breathing increases the oxygen content in your blood and boosts your immune system and helps you to detoxify. Or you could try jogging it gets similar results only the first is very pleasurable.
 

5.2) The production of endorphins helps the body to repair, heal and mend itself it bring happiness and reduces cold and flu infections and helps fight other viral infections. Wow so by making love more often I will be happier and healthier. SO if you are prone to colds and flu’s here is an affordable solution
 

5.3) It helps one sleep better, so the next time sleep is evading you say to your spouse do you want t go get me some sleeping tablets or do you have another solution. These chemicals called hormones control a lot of things that happen in our bodies. Have the right quantity of these hormones helps your body functions well. Imbalances can cause problems for you.
 

5.4) Testosterone (a hormone dominant in men) helps men to have stronger bones and to have the strong masculine look and the deep voice and beards and so on. So more sex will result in a stronger healthier body. You can save your medical bills by having a great sex life.
 

5.5) Endorphins & other hormones that are released during hot sex and orgasm act as a pain reliever, no more head ache excuses. Period pains and even long uncomfortable periods can be managed better by having a great sex life. Did you know its hormones that tell your body its time to start the period and depending on the levels of estrogen and progesterone the can be a long or short period. Other hormones will help reduce pain and others help control your emotions so you can say good-bye to the post menstruation depression. Note a lot of the hormonal production and control happens around your sexuality. Have you ever wondered why doctors prescribe birth control tablets to single women having problems with period pains? Well all they are doing is increasing the amount of estrogen or progesterone in your system, it is the imbalance of these hormones that cause ovulation, fertility and menstruation. So when your hormones are controlled they control a lot of other body function.
 

5.6) Frequent sex and ejaculation reduces the chances of having prostrate cancer in men and cervical cancer in women. The fluid flushes are good and help control a lot of disease
 

5.7) Frequent lovemaking helps reduce stress. Have you ever noticed that the you deny your husband sex the more he wants it and the less you give him the more stressed he is. The more you give him the less stressed he will be and its easier o ask him to accompany you to the mall and so on.
 

5.8) Regular lovemaking increases women’s estrogen levels that protect her heart and keep vaginal tissues suppler. That increases sexual pleasure for them both but it makes childbirth easier as you dilate faster and reduce chances of tearing. Low estrogen causes toughness in vaginal tissue and more pain at childbirth. (You choose Gods way or the other way)
 

5.9) Good sex strengthens pelvic floor muscles. This means you can keep things tight between the two of you and grab him in ways that make him scream. I’ll leave it there. This also help you have a better delivery of a baby
 

5.10) You avoid adultery hence you will live long. If you are both full and satisfied food from the neighbors does not draw your attention. But you are hungry even the food from the streets catches your attention.

6) Good sex is great exercise that addresses every part of your body. Doctors say you burn about 7500calories a year if you make love 3 times a week equivalent to
Jogging 75 miles. Again you choose, jogging is good but…
All good exercise releases endorphins and testosterone and of course you know what that means. Women have very small amount of testosterone as well though it is dominant in men.
 

7) LOVEMAKING bonds you together with your spouse in ways that nothing else will oxytocin (bonding hormone) is released when couple are in foreplay all the way till after they climax. It is a desire-enhancing chemical produced by the pituitary that will increase your desire for each other (see previous blog for more)

8) A healthy sex life boosts self-confidence
People with good sexual relations are more confident and bolder in making public presentations. Wow God is good He is an awesome designer don’t deprive yourself of all these great benefits and accrue doctors bills and counseling sessions by depriving one another.

2. Sex is of God
Gen 2:24-25 MSG Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. (25) The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame. God is the mastermind behind human anatomy not the big bang

3. Sex is spiritual
1Co 6:16 There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." (Add vs. 17)
1 Corinthians 7 vs. 1-10
It is more than the physical being joined but you hearts and souls. He that is joined to a harlot is one with her. That’s scary

4. You must have/develop sexual affection
1 Corinthians 7 Verse 2-3
Gen 26:8 MSG One day, after they had been there quite a long time, Abimelech, king of the Philistines, looked out his window and saw Isaac fondling his wife Rebekah.
Songs of Solomon 7 (message bible)
This takes us to part one of the blog. Make love a habit

5. Avoid excuses (sexcuses)
1 Corinthians 7 Verse 4-5
No back aches head aches or “Sorry honey I’m going to pray…” or Oh the children…
Be determined to satisfy your partner sexually. Think & pray about being more creative in meeting their needs

6. Maintain honor & sexual purity
Sexual satisfaction in marriage is one of the best safeguards against infidelity
•    Stay in the Word & PRAYER
•    Stay full of the Holy Spirit
•    Be selective about entertainment 1 Thessalonians 5 vs. 21-23
•    Develop healthy covenant relationships
•    Be wise avoid traps
•    If you have messed up repent

7. Sex is pleasurable
Proverbs 5 vs. 15-20
•    Satisfy your spouses needs
•    Have transparent talk
•    Plan your sex life
•    Be creative and explore one another
•    Surprise one another
•    Be determined, never give up

Shall we explore this one more in the next blog?
Wow that was a mouthful perhaps lets stop here and take a break. If your wife has not read this then think of a way to candidly get her to read the article if you put it on her pillow you hint might be to loud. As a pastor I can often tell that the problem we are trying to solve can easily be fixed by prescribing some hormonal injections but we are not allowed to do that so go ahead produce your own hormones.

God bless you

Make love a habit Part II

Make love a habit Part II

I hope you were ministered by part one of make love a habit if so get ready to be blown away by part two. Well maybe not blown away but blessed encouraged and discombobulated. I know you will love it.

I remember on a certain day a few years ago we were given the task of taking a young girl to a medical center for some attention. As we sat in the reception area habit kicks in and I pick up a lifestyle magazine and began to browse. I am not sure about other men but my eye has an amazing ability to see the word SEX any where on a page even if its written backwards. So an article entitled “Good sex helps in public speaking” catches my attention. I was like wow I always knew that sex has some wonderful things about it besides babies. The article was talking about how a good sex life boosts the confident factor in couples that made love frequently with great satisfaction. It went on to say that those involved in public speaking like politicians, salesmen, pastors etc tended to do a better job when this department was in order. They were more convincing, more eloquent and much clearer. They could articulate themselves better. You can imagine my excitement I turned to my wife and & showing her the article hoping to hear her say ''Oh my that’s awesome soon as we get home we will develop your ministerial abilities'' but not at all. You know how ladies respond to these articles.

My spirit was not dampened at all I began to research this subject with passion because I obviously wanted to be a better speaker, teacher and pastor. I did not want people that knew this principle to sit in church on a day when my sermon was not so moving and say ''I think there must have been a challenge last night''

The following is a result of some of the research that I have found and used in my own life and in the lives of those that we have counseled and guess what it works. Now my secret to great preaching is out.

When you have mastered part one of this blog ''Making love a habit'' you will set a good foundation for a better loving making life and you will see amazing results in every area of your life. Keep reading

Why is there such a fuss in the world about sex and sexuality? The devil realized that he could exploit a certain facet of mankind that seemed to be ignored by the church and use that to bring harm. Sex is overrated by the world and underrated by the church. What is the middle of the road approach? If the bible were to be made into a movie without editing some scenes it would be a no under 18 movie. God speaks about sex freely and profusely in the Bible because it is a key component to human life. In fact it affects every area of your life more than any other. Sex will affect your performance in the market place, your joy and wealth, your health and social interaction, your longevity and vitality and so on. I want to share with you some of these nugget’s that I discovered as I researched on this amazing subject.

You neglect to make love a habit to your own peril; it has been proved for example that a great sex life helps to increase your financial stability as couple. Great marriages were discovered to be a common trait among some of the wealthiest people in the world saved and not saved. A greater percent of the people on the Forbes wealthy list are on their first marriage. Wealth often seems to diminish when there is infidelity and divorce.

Why is sex so important? Well besides the fact that God created it and made us sexual beings lets look at it from a medical perspective.

Please read this with an open mind and heart sex was after all created by the mastermind plan of God. I always laugh to think that God is watching.

Lets talk about sex.
 

What does the bible say?
1. Sex is Good
Please forgive me for using the word sex loosly here I prefer “Making love” so keep that in mind as you read.

Hebrews 13:4 MSG Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex.

Also read. Proverbs 5 vs. 15-20 (message bible) and 1 Corinthians 7 vs. 1

What are the benefits of a healthy mutually rewarding enjoyable electric sex life? (Psalm 68: 19)

1) A good sex life glorifies God (I like this so as part of family worship you know what to do now)
2) It will bring Gods blessing because of obedience (as you do the Word)
3) It will help you achieve higher levels of intimacy spiritually and bring unity and synergy (where there is unity God commands the blessing)

4) Good sex brings joy to the heart (you should look at couples faces as they walk into church)
You can often see happy couples by measuring the joy. Good sex reduces depression

5) Good sex is good for your health.

Well I have to stop here for now will post part two later. It will bless you watch out for it

"Make love" a habit

Married and loving it

''Make love a habit''

Making love a habit is a sure way to invest into your marriage in a way that is fun and enjoyable. The little love things you do for and to each other are a way of creating bonds that will enhance the love experience. Making love a habit will result in you making love more often and with greater electrical results. Have you ever heard of oxytocin, well its a hormone that baffled doctors for a while as they tried to determine its purpose. They discovered that couples that touch, cuddle and have extended periods of foreplay release more oxytocin than other couples that neglect doing this.

So think about it and ask yourself the question; are we producing enough oxytocin in our marriage? Well what’s the fuss about this oxytocin? The word does not even sound nice it sounds like a chemical in a lab. Well I encourage you to learn a little bit about this and other hormones in your body. Its amazing how important hormones are in the proper function of our bodies and yet we know so little about them and how they are produced. A number of medical challenges we face in life are a result of hormonal imbalances or the lack of certain hormones.

7) LOVEMAKING bonds you together with your spouse in ways that nothing else will oxytocin (bonding hormone) is released when couple are in foreplay all the way till after they climax. It is a desire-enhancing chemical produced by the pituitary that will increase your desire for each other (notes from premarital teaching)
Doctors were perplexed by this hormone simply because it seemed to have no other purpose except enhancing a desire for your spouse and helping woman to initiate contractions at during delivery or lactation. In fact it is sometimes called the bonding hormone, it causes couples to desire being together and bonds them to each other. Follow the link below to learn more about oxytocin.

http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/

Here is the interesting thing when you desire each other, you will do things that cause you to produce more oxytocin and you will desire each other more. In other words there is a compounding desire and bonding factor that kicks in. In other words you will desire each other with interest (pun intended)

Couples that do not touch, hug and cuddle often and make love to each other but just have sex (there is a big difference) tend to bond less and miss each other less and this results in a drying up of the ''in love experience'' in the marriage. Animals have sex, which is the act of two similar species exchanging seed with the purpose of reproducing others like themselves. Making love on the other hand is the act of meeting the need of sexual stimulation and gratification in your spouse’s life. Notice this goes beyond reproduction. This is primarily focused on the expression of human sexuality in the confines of marriage. Remember humans are as sexual as they are spiritual, cognitive, relational, consumptive and emotional beings. We all have a need to worship, think, eat, connect, build communities and relate with others. We need to feel love and express love, we need to make love to and be made love to.

This is a sensitive topic in the church circles because we do not like to admit that we are sexual beings and this causes problems. Once you admit this, then you will be free to develop your sexuality so that it is a blessing to you and your spouse.

All humans are sexual beings. God gave us the tools for that and our whole body is wired to be responsive to sexual stimulation that has thousands of benefits.

I personally believe that only married couples can make love and all other people have sex. I also believe that the highest level of sexual fulfillment can only be experienced by Christians under certain conditions but that’s a lesson for another day.

What is oxytocin?

It is a hormone produced by the pituitary gland in the human body

What is its purpose?

Its main known purpose is to create a desire and bond between couples. It also helps in lactation (producing and releasing milk in nursing mothers) and in contractions during labor.

How can we produce more?

By making love a habit. When the breasts are stimulated during foreplay and when a baby is sucking the amount of oxytocin in the blood increases

I encourage couples to touch, pet, and hug and cuddle often, as this will build the bond between them. ''And Abimalech saw Isaac fondling with his wife'' wow I love this scripture its just as anointed as ''I heard a voice saying come up hither''

Read songs of Solomon you will be blessed. I know some people are really deep and all they see in this book is the union of Christ and the Church and that is true, but it is also directly addressing marriage. You will have amazing revelation of Christ and the Church when your marriage is great and you will also have a revelation of hell if your marriage is a mess. When you understand this principle your marriage will go to new heights of dizzying orgasm and fun and there will be a second coming and a third and...

You will be rushing home after work because you have made love a habit.

Steps to making love a habit

1. Desire to have a love filled marriage

2. Speak life into the marriage even if its not looking good right now

3. Begin a daily routine of touching, cuddling, kissing and hugging. Its not custom for people of color to do it but hold hands in the mall, at church and as you drive. Increase the contact time. Fight and play often (play fighting not real fights) be open and transparent in your communication of how you want to be held, hugged kissed etc. Don't be afraid to tell him ''Oh yes that’s it I like that yes right there ahhh'' please note that some of this might be strange at first but the more you do it he easier it becomes until its instinctive like blinking. You never say to yourself ''its time to blink'' this is what I mean by making love a habit.

4. Be sensitive to both verbal and none verbal communication from your spouse. Don't continue doing things that bring discomfort.

5. Schedule love moments, where you take time to be creative about investing into the love habits of your marriage. Share a shower (you'll save water and electricity. Unless something happens in there and you come out an hour later) invest time together. This is an invaluable truth that is working wonders for my marriage. Pastoring is a busy job and neglect is a trap a lot of pastors fall into. We counsel everybody else at our own expense.

6. Don't give up if it does not work the first time. Remember you fell of a bike when you were learning but you got on again. You will soon discover the right way to do things.

7. Pray about it. God is the author of marriage. Have you ever done something with your spouse and you thought God would be surprised. Well he knows it all including the stuff you don't know. Ask him for some tips and you will be surprised.

Well go and do this and I can guarantee your money back if it fails. Give yourself to this totally and reap amazing results. Make love a habit and you will be married and loving it.

I would like to thank Ndumiso and Methu Dube that are a shining example of Making love a habit. They are always touching and loving each other while I am preaching. Their marriage inspired my marriage and this blog.