Build on the positives
Have ever been in one of those crazy cycles as a couple where you are fighting about everything. You were late, the food was cold, you didn't call, you didn't appreciate me, you didn’t notice my hair etc etc.
Well those moments come to all marriages if that has not happened to you maybe you can contribute to the next blog to help us understand how that can be done.
Often these challenges come because of financial strain or maybe career frustration in some cases spouses feel neglected, unnoticed and insignificant or maybe you feel you are not getting enough… and we think the crazy cycle helps get some attention. In all this I want to highlight one possible solution. If you are to come out of the cycle you will have to ignore the negatives that are taking centre stage.
I have noticed when we go on our cycle with my wife and they are becoming less and far in between as we grow more mature in marriage. It is easier during those times to focus on little weaknesses that become magnified. Things that would normally be overlooked during happy moments become big issues. Its during these moments that my wife will notice the socks I left on the toaster and the pile of books I did not pack after reading. Its during these moment that I notice that the bed was not made just the way I like it, its then that I notice that she kissed me once only in the morning and that we only made love three times that day instead of four times.
Why do we notice all these negatives in the relationship that we normally overlook during good times? Well that’s a good question and before I answer it let me also touch on troubled relationships. Troubled relationships are generally built on a negative environment. A troubled relationship is one where you are more in the crazy cycle than you are in the ''Married and loving it'' cycle. You might need to stop for a moment and look at your own marriage and see the ''married and loving it'' and crazy cycle ratio. You need to work on having more time dedicated to the ''Married and loving it'' side of the.
I have often sat with couples in ''troubled marriages'' and wondered how these people got married if they can sit in front of me and go into detail about how terrible their spouse was and how they were tired of the relationship. These people were inseparable at the courtship stage but now they are worst enemies. What happened? Well its simple the focus changed from the positives that brought them together to the negatives that began to crop up
Great coaches will tell you that you cannot build a great team by working so hard on the weaknesses of the players by that I mean a goal keeper might have a weakness in dribbling and that ok because its not his area of strength. If the coach tells the goalkeeper for the next six weeks you must work on your dribbling no more catching for you. He will create a problem. The keeper will become a better dribbler but not a great one but he will become weaker at catching. So the training program is designed to give him skills in a number of areas but the primary one is ensuring that the other team does not score. On the other hand if the coach gets the striker and gives him catching lessons he will create a problem. Let the striker strike the catcher catch. In marriage find the stuff you are good at or better still what your spouse is good at and build on that especially during the crazy cycles.
What does this mean? If you are to build a great marriage focus on the strengths and not the weaknesses of your souse especially during the low moments. Great marriages are built when we find some positives that we can focus on and develop. There must be something good about your spouse after all you were not under a spell when you married them. Start of with something that you can celebrate even if its “hey honey you have great nails” your attitude stinks right now but your nails are great. Weeellll!!! I suggest you do not say the last part out loud.
When was the last time you had a crazy cycle? Well now you know what to do when it comes. Build on the positives not the negatives. By the way don’t look for the crazy cycles don’t schedule them into your day. But when they do come you are ready.
I have also put in a little assessment tool that has been a help to me I trust it will help you to. If you are unable to access this properly on the blog page send an email request to Pastorxtreme@gmail.com and I can send you a soft copy that you can print and work on. Go green and print back to back. Soon the blog will be on a page that allows you to down load these tools for personal development. Do not that it was created by Lynette Hoy I just added it to the blog because I think it’s a great tool.
We love you and thank you so much for making this blog interesting and worthwhile to do. If I get all the 700 plus people that read this blog weekly requesting the resource it might take about a week to send to you all so be patient with me.
Assessing Your Marriage, How Good Is It?
Marriage Assessment Survey
Complete this inventory to make an initial assessment of your marriage. Rate your satisfaction for each area below from 1-10 where 1= poor; 5=average; 10=excellent.
1. Our physical intimacy is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
2. Our emotional intimacy: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
3. Our spiritual intimacy is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4. Our recreational togetherness is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5. The friendship factor in our marriage is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
6. Our communication is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
7. The way we manage conflict is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8. The way we make decisions is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9. The way we handle our children is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
10. The way we share responsibility is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11. The way we socialize together is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
12. The way we interact with our in-laws is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
13. The way we handle finances is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Write out answers to these questions. This is meant to be an activity for assessing your marriage. After scoring areas 1-13 above - answer the following questions so you can ascertain goals to work on in your relationship. This is best done after both partners complete it. Don't share the scores above but, discuss your answers to the questions below.
1. Which areas of growth are most critical for you? Why?
Have ever been in one of those crazy cycles as a couple where you are fighting about everything. You were late, the food was cold, you didn't call, you didn't appreciate me, you didn’t notice my hair etc etc.
Well those moments come to all marriages if that has not happened to you maybe you can contribute to the next blog to help us understand how that can be done.
Often these challenges come because of financial strain or maybe career frustration in some cases spouses feel neglected, unnoticed and insignificant or maybe you feel you are not getting enough… and we think the crazy cycle helps get some attention. In all this I want to highlight one possible solution. If you are to come out of the cycle you will have to ignore the negatives that are taking centre stage.
I have noticed when we go on our cycle with my wife and they are becoming less and far in between as we grow more mature in marriage. It is easier during those times to focus on little weaknesses that become magnified. Things that would normally be overlooked during happy moments become big issues. Its during these moments that my wife will notice the socks I left on the toaster and the pile of books I did not pack after reading. Its during these moment that I notice that the bed was not made just the way I like it, its then that I notice that she kissed me once only in the morning and that we only made love three times that day instead of four times.
Why do we notice all these negatives in the relationship that we normally overlook during good times? Well that’s a good question and before I answer it let me also touch on troubled relationships. Troubled relationships are generally built on a negative environment. A troubled relationship is one where you are more in the crazy cycle than you are in the ''Married and loving it'' cycle. You might need to stop for a moment and look at your own marriage and see the ''married and loving it'' and crazy cycle ratio. You need to work on having more time dedicated to the ''Married and loving it'' side of the.
I have often sat with couples in ''troubled marriages'' and wondered how these people got married if they can sit in front of me and go into detail about how terrible their spouse was and how they were tired of the relationship. These people were inseparable at the courtship stage but now they are worst enemies. What happened? Well its simple the focus changed from the positives that brought them together to the negatives that began to crop up
Great coaches will tell you that you cannot build a great team by working so hard on the weaknesses of the players by that I mean a goal keeper might have a weakness in dribbling and that ok because its not his area of strength. If the coach tells the goalkeeper for the next six weeks you must work on your dribbling no more catching for you. He will create a problem. The keeper will become a better dribbler but not a great one but he will become weaker at catching. So the training program is designed to give him skills in a number of areas but the primary one is ensuring that the other team does not score. On the other hand if the coach gets the striker and gives him catching lessons he will create a problem. Let the striker strike the catcher catch. In marriage find the stuff you are good at or better still what your spouse is good at and build on that especially during the crazy cycles.
What does this mean? If you are to build a great marriage focus on the strengths and not the weaknesses of your souse especially during the low moments. Great marriages are built when we find some positives that we can focus on and develop. There must be something good about your spouse after all you were not under a spell when you married them. Start of with something that you can celebrate even if its “hey honey you have great nails” your attitude stinks right now but your nails are great. Weeellll!!! I suggest you do not say the last part out loud.
When was the last time you had a crazy cycle? Well now you know what to do when it comes. Build on the positives not the negatives. By the way don’t look for the crazy cycles don’t schedule them into your day. But when they do come you are ready.
I have also put in a little assessment tool that has been a help to me I trust it will help you to. If you are unable to access this properly on the blog page send an email request to Pastorxtreme@gmail.com and I can send you a soft copy that you can print and work on. Go green and print back to back. Soon the blog will be on a page that allows you to down load these tools for personal development. Do not that it was created by Lynette Hoy I just added it to the blog because I think it’s a great tool.
We love you and thank you so much for making this blog interesting and worthwhile to do. If I get all the 700 plus people that read this blog weekly requesting the resource it might take about a week to send to you all so be patient with me.
Assessing Your Marriage, How Good Is It?
Marriage Assessment Survey
Complete this inventory to make an initial assessment of your marriage. Rate your satisfaction for each area below from 1-10 where 1= poor; 5=average; 10=excellent.
1. Our physical intimacy is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
2. Our emotional intimacy: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
3. Our spiritual intimacy is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4. Our recreational togetherness is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5. The friendship factor in our marriage is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
6. Our communication is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
7. The way we manage conflict is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8. The way we make decisions is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9. The way we handle our children is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
10. The way we share responsibility is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11. The way we socialize together is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
12. The way we interact with our in-laws is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
13. The way we handle finances is: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Write out answers to these questions. This is meant to be an activity for assessing your marriage. After scoring areas 1-13 above - answer the following questions so you can ascertain goals to work on in your relationship. This is best done after both partners complete it. Don't share the scores above but, discuss your answers to the questions below.
1. Which areas of growth are most critical for you? Why?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
2. Which areas are most critical for your spouse? Why?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________3. If you were to make 2 requests of your spouse for change, what would you ask? Make these specific and base them on 2 of the above areas of concern.
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________4. If you were to do 2 things to improve your marriage and make your spouse more satisfied, what would you do? Base these on the areas in which you believe your spouse wants you to make changes.
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________5. What can you do this week to make positive change in your marriage?
Examples:
__Start improving my communication by listening to my spouse more intently and demonstrating empathy (read a book below to help you learn these skills)
__Become more involved with household chores
__Participate and initiate more family activities
__Plan a date with my spouse
__Schedule a meeting to plan our budget
__Go to church with my spouse or suggest reading the Bible together once a week (don't pressure your spouse to do this)
Be blessed and share with a friend
1 comment:
Wow... powerful!! This blog is great, we are learning and belive a lot of marriages are being transformed. Great job Moruti. Rgds Lindie
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