Married and loving it: October 2015

Hi Coach Tich, here again, let's talk about sex and marriage and how to build a stronger marriage. It is my desire to help you locate some problem areas and give some guidance on how to make things work.

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

In the message Bible it says, “Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex.”

To honor marriage is to honor God because God instituted marriage to show the mystical Union of Christ and the church. Satan attacks marriage because it is a constant reminder of something he wanted and never got. He attacks marriage by bringing all kinds of offenses and hurts that cause people to search for options. So what was created to bring glory to God now brings shame and dishonor?

Did you ever notice that the Bible says "male and female created he them" that means a penis and a vagina were created by divine design it was not accidental it was intentional and perhaps we need to stop and ask ourselves what is this thing that I carry what is its purpose? To quote the late Doctor Myles Munroe "if you do not know the purpose of a thing abuse is inevitable..." You may think I am barking up the wrong tree on this but it's amazing how many people do not know the real purpose of their sexuality, please note this is not an insult to your intelligence far from it this is a call to the original plan of God. If we really understood this there would be fewer divorces and happier marriages. Sex is a glorious expression of oneness between husband and wife "people in covenant" and should be enjoyed as a means of giving oneself willingly to another with the purpose of giving pleasure.

Unfortunately, the media has attacked marriages so much that the bedroom has been reduced to a place of legal rights and not a place of covenant. Sex has ceased to be a pleasurable process that lasts through the day and has become a "let's get it over and done with" event. Please read this scripture carefully and review your marriage and sex life by asking yourself where does my spouse falls in.

“Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence-only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.” 1st Corinthians 7:1-6 MSG

Have a look at the six types of husbands and wives and locate where you are and perhaps where your spouse is. This may save your marriage.

The six kinds of husbands

1. Content/ satisfied husband

The content husband is an amazing man to have in your home or arms. All he thinks of is how to serve you better, and what he can do to make you smile. He becomes more creative in his work because of you. Napoleon Hill wrote a chapter in his book Think and grow rich called The Power of Sex transmutation. Get the book and read it you will see the power and place of sex in creating wealth for the family. God is a genius there was no Big Bang except the one that happens in the bedroom of a couple that loves one another. The satisfied Husband will stop at nothing to ensure the family vision is accomplished.

2. The Hungry Husband

Hunger is not always a bad thing in fact it is an indicator that someone is healthy. To have a hunger for each other or in this case for a husband to hunger for his wife sexually is a good thing (absence of hunger is a cause of concern) however this must be managed so that there is a growing mutual connection that this is where my need is met. Kind of like loyalty to a Restaurant that becomes a favorite. When you get hungry you naturally think "I'm looking forward to being with my wife" this is created by you always have an open door policy (pun intended) this helps close doors to sin or thoughts of infidelity.

I did a blog some time ago titled "Make him come home" (again pun intended) the thesis simply was there is no better ace to come or find sexual satisfaction than at home with a covenant relationship. So give him appetizers often and get him hungry for you.

3. Desperate Husband

The desperate husband is the man who knows that adultery is not an option and begins to desperately work hard to make things work and gets no encouraging response and sooner or later his system begins to cry out for relief. The wise woman will always make sure that her husband’s needs are met and sex is a need it's not a want. Doctor Myles taught that man's number one need is God and the male’s number one need is sex. Don't let your husband get to a desperate stage in the area of sex. This is where the ugly secretary becomes very attractive

4. The Frustrated Husband

This husband can also be called the committed husband because he is committed to his marriage and will not violate the covenant he learns to live with the frustration of a near-dead sex life. He is tired of the sexcuses and does not pursue his wife anymore and trains his system to survive without sex. But because of what is mentioned above we are sexual creatures and sexual energy must be expressed in the safe confines of marriage when it's not it seeks expression one way or other and soon will lead to bottled emotions and sexuality exploding in anger or in affairs and soon the husband becomes number 5 or 6 which is a stage you do not want to get to.

5. The Broken Husband

The broken husband is one who has tried to fix things, tried to get the sex right, tried to get the business or finances right but things are not just working. His efforts are not recognized or rewarded at the least by a smiling encouraging wife who gives herself to him sexually without begging.

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart, the spirit is broken. (Proverbs 15:13)

When a man's spirit is broken he begins to shut down every program that causes pain and this may be the painful words spoken by his wife sometimes in a bid to get him to act. To a man his wife's words are vital and women have to learn to say the right things.

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. (Proverbs 12:18)

She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)

Let your words heal and build your home and you will see how powerful your husband becomes.

6. The "I don't care anymore" Husband

This is when the husband has left the marriage in his heart and no lingers makes an effort to hide the fact that he is in an affair. He has logged out long ago and comes into bed and falls asleep without an effort to be intimate. He is actually hoping she will leave without him having to send her away from that way it's easier to file for divorce and bring in the substitute without guilt or remorse. The Bible says Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of people's hearts. When people fall out of love and the war begins it's amazing to think these people were once upon a time so madly in love. As a Pastor we sometimes look at relationships and see that it will never work but to separate two hearts that are "in love" is like trying to separate two-bathroom plungers the harder you try the more they cling together.

At this stage the man does not need counseling as that will not register in his head "he does not care" what he needs is an encounter with God. Sometimes this happens after divorce papers have been signed.

Of all the above-mentioned husbands which one describes your husband most accurately? You need to know so you can put in an action plan before you get to number six. We have sat with couples that have reached stage 5 or 6 and after a bit of discussion you can see on the husband's face an expression that says, "been there before this woman won't change". At this stage, she wants to rescue the relationship but he has logged out because his needs are not being met. He got into the marriage thinking now we can enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship that will bond us together.

Six Kinds of Wives

1. The Helper

This is the wife who is totally content and happy in the marriage she believes in and supports the vision of her husband and knows well that her sexuality is a gift that God gave her to enhance the vision and cause the man to be creative and powerful in the marketplace. She understands that the proper use of her femininity will cause her to walk into her full potential and she finds satisfaction in that. The atmosphere in the home and marriage is charged with the expectation of great things and the family vision is flourishing.

2. The Brave.

A Red Indian soldier is called a brave because he is taken through an initiation process that makes him brave, sometimes in marriage men are once cutie and take their wives through very painful processes which they endure out of sheer love for their husbands, and the brave it through difficult times not by choice but because of loyalty. This woman is called a brave, she is tough and always ready to help and give of herself even at the risk of sickness. This is not a good thing to do in fact it is cruel and some husbands should be confronted for this. However, your courage and strength can pay off if coupled with faith and wisdom. I salute the women out there as they have had to be so brave. They leave home, change their names and start a new life with this man hoping to get love and sometimes only get heartache. I am praying for you and pray this article and others will give you some hope and courage.

3. The indifferent Wife

This is the wife who has begun to disconnect from her husband as he feels he is going his own way and does not prioritize her. (This can either be real or perceived however the results are still the same) she is not aware of the vision the goals or the key performance indicators of the family. She sees sex as a one-way pleasure-meeting tool for him. The atmosphere in this home is tense and the husband feels he is working alone. A measure of success can be achieved.

4. The Wounded Wife

This is the wife who has been hurt so much by the actions of her husband (knowingly or out of ignorance). She may just choose to become numb in a bid to stop feeling the pain and she closes out any expression of affection and intimacy. Sex is done out of wifely duty, not pleasure not a desire to give pleasure. When we numb ourselves to manage pain we also close up our ability to receive pleasure and our system begins to look for alternatives.

5. The Offended Wife

This is the wife who feels the husband is a burden and weight that is hindering her from fulfilling her goals. She sees sex as a punishment and may use it in a manipulative way to enhance her goals. There is no pleasure in their sex life when it happens it is mechanical. They both begin to think the grass is greener elsewhere and infidelity sneaks in (either in the physical act or in fantasy)

6. The Vengeful Wife

At this stage, the pain and hurt have gone to manageable thresholds, and the wife is now so broken that she has no care to pretend anymore. She is wounded beyond measure and will lash at anything. This stage is rare because women are very strong and can handle pain very well unlike their male counterparts; however, when a woman is here the red lights are on anything within her reach is a weapon from the children to the kitchen knife to the courts of law.

Get the book www.faithlandpublishers.co.za

It's important to note that there are traits and languages that go along with each type of husband or wife and learning that language helps to identify where your spouse is and you begin to take measures to remedy the situation. I do not have time on this short blog to help you identify these but our sessions can help or buying our book the Greatest Sex life Ever will be helpful.

Take time to think through and locate where you are and where your spouse is and fix things if necessary. You may find that there are several symptoms manifesting and showing that your spouse is in serious need of help the good news is there is always hope regardless of where things are. We have seen marriages that were beyond repair getting healed and restored. We believe God will heal yours too.

The simple steps needed to fix things are as follows

1. Repent where you have messed up

2. Paint the picture of the desired reality

3. Draw up an action plan on how you will get there) this should be a joint effort where possible however sometimes you start alone)

4. Get a coach and be accountable to them on progress (preferably your Pastors) prayer and getting into the word is vital at this stage (again I recommend my book The Greatest Sex Life Ever. It talks more than just sex)

5. Start acting out what is right and soon the feelings and emotions with catch up

Hey, we love you and we are praying for you so you too can be Married and Loving It. Take time to visit my blog often and read the powerful articles that have helped so many couples.

Get the book https://www.drtich.com/product/the-greatest-sex-life-ever/