Married and loving it
It is amazing that we have received amazing traffic and enquiries on this blog as compared to the other two blog’. It seems there are more people interested in building happy marriages than people that want to make money. This is a good thing for me because I am aware that great marriages can build a strong resource base as they work together in unity. In fact statistics tell us that most financial problems in a marriage can be traced back to poor communication and poor sex life.
So if you want to make more money work on your marriage. He that finds a wife finds a good thing (The covenant is the thing not the wife) and obtains favor from the Lord. Wow that’s powerful there is an advantage in walking in unity with your wife. Where there is strive there dwell every evil thing but where there is unity there God commands the Blessing. Wow what powerful scriptures. Can this level of unity be achieved? Can we walk together at this level and enjoy this kind of favor and get rid of demonic oppression in our homes? Yes we can!!!
I have found that one of the key factors to building a great marriage that you enjoy is the friendship component, it is so important that you maintain a growing friendship relationship between the two of you. Friendship takes away the animosity and the maliciousness that could possibly develop when two people from different backgrounds are trying to adjust and fit into each other’s lives. Proverbs says ''a man that has friends must show himself friendly'' so I need to develop a friendliness towards my wife and she to me.
Have a close look at these notes and let them build a new paradigm that will help you be a better spouse. I learnt that wealth is not for everyone, only for those that are willing to develop the necessary skills and habits that go along with wealth. In the same way great marriages are for those that are will to pursue the Word of God and the wisdom that builds such marriages. The rest of the world remains on average or they become a statistic. This is not your portion so here we go.
I like defining words so that we can be on the same page, here are some notes from our discipleship manual that will be useful to lay a foundation.
Brotherly Kindness - Definition:
The Greek word is “philadelphia”. It comes from two words: “philos” and “adelphos”.
“Philos” means friend, to be friendly, a companion. From this word we get the Greek word “phileo” which is translated by the word “love”. “Phileo” is the type of love we are most accustomed to. It is a love that desires love to be returned. It is the kind of love we all know through healthy family relationships.
“Adelphos” means a brother, a fellow associate united to another by some bond. This bond can be blood but not necessarily so. It can be any type of bond; i.e., class, social, clubs, organizations, ethnic, etc.
Thus this is a fellow associate (i.e., a brother) who is a good friend.
Consider these verses with the word “philos”:
John 15:13. "Greater love (agape) has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends (philos). (NKJV)
James 2:23.And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, "Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness." And he was called the friend (philos) of God. (NKJV)
Note also this verse from the Old Testament:
Proverbs 18:24. A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (NKJV)
Consider the following passages of scripture, which use the word, philadelphia meaning “brotherly kindness”:
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; (NKJV) (wow this is powerful remember your last fight)
1 Thessalonians 4:9. But concerning brotherly love you have no need that I should write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love (agape) one another; (NKJV)
Hebrews 13:1.Let brotherly love continue. (NKJV)
1 Peter 1:22 22 Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love (agape) one another fervently with a pure heart, (NKJV)
1 Peter 3:8.Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; (NKJV) {this is speaking to me}
Important note:
“Phileo” is how we love those dear to us (i.e., spouse, children, close relatives). Now the Lord adds to the word for us as Christians! We are to learn to love our brethren with the same type of love. We must move from “phileo” to “philadelphia”. This is a step up. This is leading us toward “agape”.
In other words we must learn to love the brethren at least like we love very close relatives. (It is obvious that the church we read about in the book of Acts did this. They sold their goods in order to help one another.)
This is the process that you go through in marriage. You see this pretty lady, you fall in love, you get married you want to get some love, attention, sex etc. Then as the relationship develops you begin to love with the kindness that wants to give and add value, then after a while you grow up and realize the world does not revolve around you. You begin to love unconditionally with the agape love. The sooner you get here the better, if you can start here its even better.
As human beings we were created to crave for and survive on companionship and relationship, the highest level of intimacy is expressed in marriage, when we get married we must be committed to each other for life. This type of commitment builds lasting marriages because it is built on unconditional love and friendship. Don't get me wrong ultimately we all must have the real foundation of marriage which is agape (unconditional love) a decision to love unselfishly regardless of the circumstances. When we love each other unconditionally and we develop a friendship that is tight we will meet one of the greatest needs in mankind. The need for Love, acceptance, recognition, respect and honor.
We are all looking for and longing for this. The need is met in different ways but is generally interpreted as love by the recipient. A lot of our fights are birthed in the realm of selfishness when we feel we are being denied something we feel is our right. Great marriages are built when ''I'' gets of the throne. You have a right to sex as a husband but if you get it as a right you are not in a happy marriage, as a wife you have a right to be loved but the moment it comes from the demand it is no longer love. Lets love and give ourselves to our spouse out of an unselfish desire to meet their needs.
Below is a conversation between a counselor and a counselee, to illustrate the needs we have for love. Note the differences in the make up of men and women. It would do us good to be able to understand one another in marriage, knowing that we are different will make a difference. Have you ever wondered why we fight about being different when that is the factor that got us together to begin with imagine being married to someone like you.
Councilor: How are you doing and how is the marriage?
Mary (Not her real name): “Haaaaa I have learnt to soldier through many trials. In fact just so you know we had a fall out like last week and we only like started talking yesterday because it was his birthday haa haa ha haaaa aya marriage I tell you!!!!!! Full of decisions to be made
Councilor: Yes it’s like that, you will find that as you grow and mature in Christ and become less selfish things get smoother. I am growing in knowing God and my wife; it’s an amazing journey. As I grow in Christ I am growing in my marriage
Mary: Yeah all I can say is you see exactly where you are in your Christian growth with the way you handle your spouse, issues, forgiveness, choosing to be reconciled than to be right, only there do you see your mirror-image in Christ i.e. how far you are from looking like Him. You know when He chose to die on the cross for us all and said its ok they reject me but I’ll do it nevertheless and if I think of applying it to John (Husband {not his real name}) wow that would be super growth, but I strive to get there
Councilor: Lets press toward the mark of the high calling are you still doing your study of love?
Mary: Honestly I’d slipped up and I can see the impact, wish I had continued. I want to go through the book with him, please pray that we can start today and finish strong and apply more than anything all that we learn
Councilor: Step into it with determination and let God work in you both we will stand and pray it happens. Have fun together remember you are friends first enjoy every moment we don't have forever on earth
Mary: Thanks you are so right, friends first. Its so easy to forget because of these expectations that start coming etc
Councilor: Yes we forget that we are friends and place all kinds of demands and pressures on each other and stop having fun marriage become like school and you have to do home work. Here is the thing unmet expectations lead to frustration. Doing stuff for a friend should be enjoyed not endured, it should bring joy not sorrow.
Mary: You are sooo right, wish John was also on this chat I will have to fill him in on this talk. It will really help us
Councilor: I think I should convert this chat to a blog this is powerful; I get many people asking about the friendship factor in their relationship especially the ladies.
Mary: Sometimes things people say in conversation is amazing because you say your heart right then and things you are going through right then and it definitely would be airing someone’s heart as well.
Councilor: That’s true speaking is a powerful tool to bringing answers. Men need to learn this because we think our way to answers and women talk their way to answers and this difference often creates a dilemma because men think women are talking too much and women think men are not talking enough. But the way we arrive at an answer or course of action is different. But I think men need to talk more even if it is to say I am still thinking about that matter give me time. The worst a woman can think and say to your husband is you are doing nothing about it. Men feel this reduces them and they close up and become an answer to your confession. I will show her that there is nothing being done. This response is wrong but men get pushed to this and the friendship suffers
Mary: So true hey. Its almost like 'oh she's sayin I’m doing nothin ahhh so will keep my processed thought to myself since she does believe there's nothing being done, it wont help to say much to her she will think I’m saying something just because she complained. So for the sake of peace also I’ll continue to be quiet always'
After a moments pause; Mary: “eish God help us to understand that part about each other the silence, the speaking and may there be Godly balances always that comes through
Councilor: That’s correct, if we master this we will become that much more able to assist each other. Inside each wife is a little excited girl that wants to express her excitement about her new Barbie doll and her frustration about the boy who stole her baby pram give her and ear and listen to her and inside every man is a little boy who is excited about his new toy but needs encouragement to use it. Give a word of encouragement and you will see amazing things coming out of him.
Mary: Yes encouragement, you are so right about that. And do you know the core of our disagreement had part element along those lines "you don’t really take time to listen to me" that’s many a woman’s cry, atmosphere must be right to begin to pour out those little hurts that cling onto her heart but many a time like marriage vine was saying in order to reach deep connections couples must sit talk at least an hour, this creates deep strong bonds and men may only manage to get halfway and the frustration builds again in her heart, she wants to be heard, she wants to be held but alas he believes he did well but no she was only about to begin to speak. God help us
Councilor: Yes this is true and God will help us its part of the adventure. I like this chat I will edit it and make it a blog. It will help many people to learn some powerful marriage lesson. If I make money I promise to share with you. Lol
Wow am sure you now see in this true story the importance of the friendship and the bonding that is needed in marriage. For me the challenge has always been the time factor. My marriage has been challenged by our working hours. Being good pastors that love the sheep and want to be there for them. I have learnt that we need to get away more and I need to listen more and talk more. Am sure I am not the only husband to confess this. Oh I can hear all the wives say Amen to this blog.
What do you think? Lets talk
So if you want to make more money work on your marriage. He that finds a wife finds a good thing (The covenant is the thing not the wife) and obtains favor from the Lord. Wow that’s powerful there is an advantage in walking in unity with your wife. Where there is strive there dwell every evil thing but where there is unity there God commands the Blessing. Wow what powerful scriptures. Can this level of unity be achieved? Can we walk together at this level and enjoy this kind of favor and get rid of demonic oppression in our homes? Yes we can!!!
I have found that one of the key factors to building a great marriage that you enjoy is the friendship component, it is so important that you maintain a growing friendship relationship between the two of you. Friendship takes away the animosity and the maliciousness that could possibly develop when two people from different backgrounds are trying to adjust and fit into each other’s lives. Proverbs says ''a man that has friends must show himself friendly'' so I need to develop a friendliness towards my wife and she to me.
Have a close look at these notes and let them build a new paradigm that will help you be a better spouse. I learnt that wealth is not for everyone, only for those that are willing to develop the necessary skills and habits that go along with wealth. In the same way great marriages are for those that are will to pursue the Word of God and the wisdom that builds such marriages. The rest of the world remains on average or they become a statistic. This is not your portion so here we go.
I like defining words so that we can be on the same page, here are some notes from our discipleship manual that will be useful to lay a foundation.
Brotherly Kindness - Definition:
The Greek word is “philadelphia”. It comes from two words: “philos” and “adelphos”.
“Philos” means friend, to be friendly, a companion. From this word we get the Greek word “phileo” which is translated by the word “love”. “Phileo” is the type of love we are most accustomed to. It is a love that desires love to be returned. It is the kind of love we all know through healthy family relationships.
“Adelphos” means a brother, a fellow associate united to another by some bond. This bond can be blood but not necessarily so. It can be any type of bond; i.e., class, social, clubs, organizations, ethnic, etc.
Thus this is a fellow associate (i.e., a brother) who is a good friend.
Consider these verses with the word “philos”:
John 15:13. "Greater love (agape) has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends (philos). (NKJV)
James 2:23.And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, "Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness." And he was called the friend (philos) of God. (NKJV)
Note also this verse from the Old Testament:
Proverbs 18:24. A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (NKJV)
Consider the following passages of scripture, which use the word, philadelphia meaning “brotherly kindness”:
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; (NKJV) (wow this is powerful remember your last fight)
1 Thessalonians 4:9. But concerning brotherly love you have no need that I should write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love (agape) one another; (NKJV)
Hebrews 13:1.Let brotherly love continue. (NKJV)
1 Peter 1:22 22 Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love (agape) one another fervently with a pure heart, (NKJV)
1 Peter 3:8.Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; (NKJV) {this is speaking to me}
Important note:
“Phileo” is how we love those dear to us (i.e., spouse, children, close relatives). Now the Lord adds to the word for us as Christians! We are to learn to love our brethren with the same type of love. We must move from “phileo” to “philadelphia”. This is a step up. This is leading us toward “agape”.
In other words we must learn to love the brethren at least like we love very close relatives. (It is obvious that the church we read about in the book of Acts did this. They sold their goods in order to help one another.)
This is the process that you go through in marriage. You see this pretty lady, you fall in love, you get married you want to get some love, attention, sex etc. Then as the relationship develops you begin to love with the kindness that wants to give and add value, then after a while you grow up and realize the world does not revolve around you. You begin to love unconditionally with the agape love. The sooner you get here the better, if you can start here its even better.
As human beings we were created to crave for and survive on companionship and relationship, the highest level of intimacy is expressed in marriage, when we get married we must be committed to each other for life. This type of commitment builds lasting marriages because it is built on unconditional love and friendship. Don't get me wrong ultimately we all must have the real foundation of marriage which is agape (unconditional love) a decision to love unselfishly regardless of the circumstances. When we love each other unconditionally and we develop a friendship that is tight we will meet one of the greatest needs in mankind. The need for Love, acceptance, recognition, respect and honor.
We are all looking for and longing for this. The need is met in different ways but is generally interpreted as love by the recipient. A lot of our fights are birthed in the realm of selfishness when we feel we are being denied something we feel is our right. Great marriages are built when ''I'' gets of the throne. You have a right to sex as a husband but if you get it as a right you are not in a happy marriage, as a wife you have a right to be loved but the moment it comes from the demand it is no longer love. Lets love and give ourselves to our spouse out of an unselfish desire to meet their needs.
Below is a conversation between a counselor and a counselee, to illustrate the needs we have for love. Note the differences in the make up of men and women. It would do us good to be able to understand one another in marriage, knowing that we are different will make a difference. Have you ever wondered why we fight about being different when that is the factor that got us together to begin with imagine being married to someone like you.
Councilor: How are you doing and how is the marriage?
Mary (Not her real name): “Haaaaa I have learnt to soldier through many trials. In fact just so you know we had a fall out like last week and we only like started talking yesterday because it was his birthday haa haa ha haaaa aya marriage I tell you!!!!!! Full of decisions to be made
Councilor: Yes it’s like that, you will find that as you grow and mature in Christ and become less selfish things get smoother. I am growing in knowing God and my wife; it’s an amazing journey. As I grow in Christ I am growing in my marriage
Mary: Yeah all I can say is you see exactly where you are in your Christian growth with the way you handle your spouse, issues, forgiveness, choosing to be reconciled than to be right, only there do you see your mirror-image in Christ i.e. how far you are from looking like Him. You know when He chose to die on the cross for us all and said its ok they reject me but I’ll do it nevertheless and if I think of applying it to John (Husband {not his real name}) wow that would be super growth, but I strive to get there
Councilor: Lets press toward the mark of the high calling are you still doing your study of love?
Mary: Honestly I’d slipped up and I can see the impact, wish I had continued. I want to go through the book with him, please pray that we can start today and finish strong and apply more than anything all that we learn
Councilor: Step into it with determination and let God work in you both we will stand and pray it happens. Have fun together remember you are friends first enjoy every moment we don't have forever on earth
Mary: Thanks you are so right, friends first. Its so easy to forget because of these expectations that start coming etc
Councilor: Yes we forget that we are friends and place all kinds of demands and pressures on each other and stop having fun marriage become like school and you have to do home work. Here is the thing unmet expectations lead to frustration. Doing stuff for a friend should be enjoyed not endured, it should bring joy not sorrow.
Mary: You are sooo right, wish John was also on this chat I will have to fill him in on this talk. It will really help us
Councilor: I think I should convert this chat to a blog this is powerful; I get many people asking about the friendship factor in their relationship especially the ladies.
Mary: Sometimes things people say in conversation is amazing because you say your heart right then and things you are going through right then and it definitely would be airing someone’s heart as well.
Councilor: That’s true speaking is a powerful tool to bringing answers. Men need to learn this because we think our way to answers and women talk their way to answers and this difference often creates a dilemma because men think women are talking too much and women think men are not talking enough. But the way we arrive at an answer or course of action is different. But I think men need to talk more even if it is to say I am still thinking about that matter give me time. The worst a woman can think and say to your husband is you are doing nothing about it. Men feel this reduces them and they close up and become an answer to your confession. I will show her that there is nothing being done. This response is wrong but men get pushed to this and the friendship suffers
Mary: So true hey. Its almost like 'oh she's sayin I’m doing nothin ahhh so will keep my processed thought to myself since she does believe there's nothing being done, it wont help to say much to her she will think I’m saying something just because she complained. So for the sake of peace also I’ll continue to be quiet always'
After a moments pause; Mary: “eish God help us to understand that part about each other the silence, the speaking and may there be Godly balances always that comes through
Councilor: That’s correct, if we master this we will become that much more able to assist each other. Inside each wife is a little excited girl that wants to express her excitement about her new Barbie doll and her frustration about the boy who stole her baby pram give her and ear and listen to her and inside every man is a little boy who is excited about his new toy but needs encouragement to use it. Give a word of encouragement and you will see amazing things coming out of him.
Mary: Yes encouragement, you are so right about that. And do you know the core of our disagreement had part element along those lines "you don’t really take time to listen to me" that’s many a woman’s cry, atmosphere must be right to begin to pour out those little hurts that cling onto her heart but many a time like marriage vine was saying in order to reach deep connections couples must sit talk at least an hour, this creates deep strong bonds and men may only manage to get halfway and the frustration builds again in her heart, she wants to be heard, she wants to be held but alas he believes he did well but no she was only about to begin to speak. God help us
Councilor: Yes this is true and God will help us its part of the adventure. I like this chat I will edit it and make it a blog. It will help many people to learn some powerful marriage lesson. If I make money I promise to share with you. Lol
Wow am sure you now see in this true story the importance of the friendship and the bonding that is needed in marriage. For me the challenge has always been the time factor. My marriage has been challenged by our working hours. Being good pastors that love the sheep and want to be there for them. I have learnt that we need to get away more and I need to listen more and talk more. Am sure I am not the only husband to confess this. Oh I can hear all the wives say Amen to this blog.
What do you think? Lets talk
3 comments:
Pastor you must write something bigger that you can publish. Wisdom here!
love the post pastor TT, the only way to get your partner to change is by accepting him or her the way he or she is! Trying to make people change tends to make them resentful and resistant. Accepting and enjoying our partners the way they are opens the way to growth.
We can accept imperfections in our partners and love them the way they are. One of the ways we can strengthen our relationship is by the give-and-take method. For example, I may be good at home repairs but I am not very good about picking up my socks. Perhaps my partner will forgive me for forgetting my socks...and maybe even put them in the laundry for me...and will appreciate my efforts at home repairs. To get him or her talking; start on a positive level, appreciate they efforts in your marriage (bring up good memories not bad ones).
As you have said communication is a powerful tool that brings answers, I find it to be a key tool in building healthy marriages. To effectively communicate you must a good listener and be able to fully understand to what your partner is talking about.
The trouble with understanding is that most of us have a hard time getting there when we feel attacked. The best time to cultivate understanding is when you are both feeling peaceful. Set aside your assumptions and judgments. Invite your partner to help you understand what a certain thing means to him or her. If you feel yourself getting upset and inclined to judge, yell, argue, or lecture, call for a timeout: “I’d like to think about what you’ve said. I really want to understand. Let me think about what you have said and maybe we can re-visit this again later. When you do this it helps both of you not to end up in a fight.
Understanding is very difficult. It takes time and patience. So be patient with him or her.
If you make money on this blog, I think I deserve a share...lol
Thank you Pastor TT
Remember the good times you have shared not the bad ones, be understanding, make requests not complaints, show appreciation for efforts, and be forgiving—and maybe even turn the problem into a strength!
wow pastor i really think i should share ths with my husband because we never seem to understand each otha. Ever since we got married its bn one fight afta anatha which has left me feeling as tho it was the worst mistake of my life. Bt ths element of friendship can work. At least i hope it cn save our marriage becoz im about to give up.
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