Make him come home

Make him come home… (Pun intended)

Having spent many years ministering to couples and helping them get their marriages back in shape there are some great lessons that I have accumulated and enjoy sharing with people. As the old adage is true “prevention is better than cure”. There are some things best learnt from an oral lesson than personal experience. The truth is experience is not always the best teacher. Wisdom is a far better teacher. The Holy Spirit is the best teacher of them all.

Mike Murdock rightly says “you can learn from mistakes or mentors” the latter being the most preferred service provider. There are experiences I have had in my life that I could have and should have avoided but I did not listen to the mentor who was coaching me and had experiences that I wish I never had. For the next few months I want to look into some of these marriage lessons that are best learnt from mentors and not experience.

Anyway let me get to one of the lessons and I hope you learn from them and laugh about this as one who will never “experience” it.

Make him come home

 

Lovemaking is an amazing thing that God created. I still cannot fully imagine how God processed the information in His great mind and put all the detail and the software and hardware into the human body, but I do know that making love is one of the greatest experiences on the planet. The same way husbands are to work at making their wives smile wives are to do the same. This creates a healthy environment where two people long for each other all through the day and miss each other so much that they make dates often and cannot be kept apart. Well that sounds like a fairytale hey? Well you can live it.

I have heard it said that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach… well I found a shorter route to my heart, in fact my stomach leads to other places and not my heart. Is it no wonder that the people that strongly believe that proverb cooked for their husbands and he arrived at 7or 8pm to eat supper and that’s all he eats.

According to statistics in America about 15 years ago (Not sure if survey has been done in Africa) 2% of the marriages are sexless marriages that means they have not had sexual intimacy in a year and 10-20% of marriages were on an average of 10 encounters a year and 52% were on about 4 times a month. Notice how closely related that last figure is related to the global average divorce rate of 54%.

What does all this mean? Well God created sex to be the bonding factor in marriages that causes them to grow in their intimacy and often couples ignore this important component. Perhaps to say ignore is the wrong word they use sex as a weapon. Wife says “I will fix him” husband says “I am tired of begging” so he tries to reduce his appetite and work harder and hang around with his friends or play golf more etc. Sex drive really cannot be stopped it can be redirected temporarily to other areas but sooner or later it’s a dam that becomes full and needs expression. When the pressure builds for the man he seeks alternatives which may include masturbation, adultery or homosexuality and because this is often the path of least effort and least resistance it becomes the preferred service provider.

Here are some causes of sexless marriages

1.     Spouse has been rejected to many times they cease to seek sexual intimacy

2.     Mockery and negative words spoken about sexual performance and other areas

3.     Financial pressure and career frustration

4.     Children or family pressure

5.     Adultery or porn addiction

6.     Medical conditions

7.     Substance abuse

I have met MANY wives that would say well how can I give myself sexually to him if he is… and they give their reason which in some cases really sounds logical and justifiable, what I know is that this marriage is headed for trouble.

Read this passage of scripture in 1^st Corinthians 7:1-6

In the message Bible it says …sexual drives are strong but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in the midst of sexual disorder. The marriage bed is a place of mutuality-the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy the husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it. And if its for the purposes of prayer and fasting-but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.

Very direct instructions here that are useful to building lasting happy marriages. Don’t let satan tempt your spouse by thinking perhaps I can get this elsewhere with less effort. A little while ago I did a blog entitled “lessons from the harlorts”  I received a lot of responses on that blog some of it not so friendly perhaps because of the painful truths that women had to confront in it. The intention is never to hurt of attack but to help you build a better marriage. The truth is your marriage is not immune to the devils attacks so you just have to be wise and do what the Bible says you must do. Doing the Bible will make him want to come home with you and not a stranger, create such an impression on him that the natural route after work is home or maybe even in between hours as well.

Whats the ways forward

I encourage you to do an assessment of your sex life and if you are seeing the following symptoms in your marriage take action now and save your marriage.

Symptoms

1.     Your spouse is less touchy and clingy than before

2.     Your spouse turns the other way in bed

3.     Your spouse no longer initiates lovemaking

4.     Appetite has gone down

5.     Spouse is more preoccupied by their hobbies or work or other genuine distractions

6.     Frequency of lovemaking has gone down

7.     The atmosphere in your marriage has become tense and mechanical

8.     Communication when apart is less frequent or cold and impersonal

9.     Phone becomes sacred, passwords are introduced or changed

10. There are slots of time on their calendar that are unaccounted for

Now seeing any of these symptoms does not mean there is an affair or a major problem but it should be a red light indicator that gets your attention before the engine shuts down. I have had to talk to husbands who have shut down and said its to painful to seek sexual release with my wife. I have to work so hard to get her. Women of God you will get more done by being a generous giver than by being stingy. Learn from Queen Esther, you have the power to get his attention his heart and his wallet if you know how to conduct yourself.

If there is a problem here are a few steps to take

Create a non-hostile environment to talk (Restaurant, friends home, visit your Pastors etc)

Be open repentant and non accusing about the matter

Make it clear that you want to fix things

Make a quality decision to begin to build the intimacy

Get materials and resources that help you grow in this area (Good material)

Put together a schedule or plan of action on how you will get things back to where they should be.

Be determined to make it work even if you fail a few times, keep working at it

Be prayerful about the process

Stay in the Word and speak the word over your marriage

Well I hope that was useful I could go on and on about this but this is a good foundation. I encourage you to read the other blogs I have done that are related.

Enjoy your marriage.